Catching up with old friends, even virtually, always fills me up with nostalgia over time passed. We aren’t young guns anymore, starting out in life, thinking we know everything and finding out we know nothing. We’ve been there. We found out we knew nothing. We now know that, at least. We’ve also changed, and nothing accentuates the transformations suffered over the years more than a long talk with an old friend. I used to be kind and patient, he said. Those were the things he praised me for. Kind and patient. I should have seen it as a compliment. Instead, it felt like a slap in the face. I used to be kind and patient, all the good attributes for someone who’s very dim. They are kind because they’re not bitter with the world’s reality. They are patient because they’re not curious and anxious about finding out all the world’s truths. Being kind was something I’ve been striving towards and hearing someone call me that is indeed lovely. But being patient, when I know I’ve just failed being that, feels like a step back, a regression. I wish I could be wise enough to be patient and kind. Instead life has made me angry and hasty. I rush doing things because I feel I am running out of time. I’m in my 30s and people much younger than me have arrived to where they needed and more importantly, wanted to be. Yet I am bargaining with myself as to what it is I need to achieve by this age. Once I’ve passed a certain age, a new bargaining process begins and I am running out of examples of late achievers. Yet, I’m told it’s not a race and slowing down might have its benefits. At the same time, when you’re past your early-twenties, your mid-twenties, heck, even your late-twenties… your excuses are running out. You find out it was a race after all and to quote Pink Floyd “you’ve missed the starting gun.”
Here I am, left with “patient and kind” stapled on my forehead, when I’m anything but. I am looking back at my patient and kind self. Do I want to go back to that or keep running with the angry impatient self I’ve got? Would it make a difference in the… long run?